Happy Fucking New Year.
The year’s ending and everyone’s talking about it. Sharing their best moments from start to finish. And I’ve lived over a hundred lives. Someone who was close to death, far from it, I’ve been a good man—a lover—and a man who needs to change. So on and so forth. Break ups back to back, late night runs away from home and overindulgences shook hands with playful skipping through city streets, the resurgence of identity and invaluable lessons. Nothing went unnoticed and truly, I paid almost everything a little too much of my attention.
I’m extremely happy to be able to say I won’t write about this year once it’s over. That’s what I told myself to do once I began this journey; write every bad moment and be released from it. While that may sound easy, it probably won’t be. Then again, that’s 2024 for you.
Nothing really was.
My challenges were brought to extremes, and there’s only so much one soul can take. Unemployment led to poverty which led to psychological collapse and all of the risks that come with that. Remembering everything isn’t my favorite thing to do, but knowing that I attempted to toss myself from the 6th floor balcony of my apartment before February even had a chance to end— it does something to you. It does something to the boyfriend who found you before you could. Life itself is challenges. Life itself is miracles. Justifiably, no one can prepare you for the intensity of either one, but when you witness more challenges than miracles,
the anger and the fear becomes entirely misdirected.
That is what I changed first; the misdirection. No longer did I lean into my jealousy for the people who had life easy or the anger for those who couldn’t accept that mine wasn’t. This year pushed me beyond boundaries. Most of which were the ones I created to keep me in a state that—unknowingly—kept me at a standstill. My fears and crutches manifested themselves in many, many ways. My inability to face conflict; passiveness. My lack of friendship transmuted itself into a social disability; loneliness. Being easily disarmed disguised itself as hiatuses from things I once loved; loss of passion.
Again and again, I was given something or someone that to me, was an assignment. Most of which, I failed like all of my math classes— but the ones I passed, I’d been given straight A’s.
I remember there was a lesson on love and how to fight for it. Something I’ve never done and honestly, never thought to do. It has been incredibly rewarding to know that someone exists for me in this world despite the past I’ve battered with so much shame; there’s nothing wrong with having been someone else at one point. There’s nothing wrong with only knowing how to do so much on your own. The sex and the addictions and the humiliation of it all, have done nothing but show that I can’t be someone like that.
That who I am supposed to be has no alignment with the decisions nor the feelings tied to those behaviors. Lesson one was an amalgamation of sorts. It includes the need to face challenges. Face identity. Face the past and destroy the notions that resist change.
I passed both of these aforementioned tests, but you’re tried until your time is up. I’m okay with that.
The identity of my old self became solid instead of some ever-changing visage that I couldn’t quite place. I wrote about it before; the youth wound. How I feared loneliness and to some extent, conflict, too— because if I caused conflict, I would be alone. I feared being different. I still do. 2024 issued a new age of complexities within me that to this day, very few people outside of my family seem to truly appreciate. Despite my abrasive nature, despite the horrors beneath my skin, I was invited to a wedding and introduced to family as one of her people. As a stranger who loves to talk, I was given a friend who appreciated me beyond just a single day of hanging out with me. As a writer, I touched the hearts of many, and one in particular, being someone who proves himself a pillar in my life with no difficulty at all. So many more moments were shared that proved my identity to be something dynamic and worthy regardless of its scabs. Regardless of the callouses.
Identity seems to be something ever-changing yet somehow a constant, and something that I believe you train as you age. I’ve had a vague idea of who I was and what I was capable of believing or doing, up until this year.
As of now, I am closer, but still looking deeper.
Don’t you see?
The light does shine in my story. Sometimes taking longer than most, but this isn’t about comparison. It’s about the insanity that is devotion to living. To trying again and again and again. This year was entirely a dissertation on my will and perseverance. This year is why everything means everything to me.
I nearly lost my life to the manmade horror of money. I nearly destroyed the dynamics within my family all for the sake of blame. For not being wealthy and not having the freedom to choose my next moves. For having to do whatever it took to not go under— I had to choose what and who were worth losing for the sake of a life filled with balance. So as I close this year out, I can say that going back home isn’t hell on earth. That my mother isn’t my enemy and that my friends aren’t going to choose someone less damaged than me. And still, everyday I find something to appreciate.
Whether it be the scones from the market or the clothes I’m finally able to buy, or the ability to share these writings and hear voices that only exist once in a lifetime— my observations in this world transcend the concept of value. My love for evaluation and thinking are not what hold me back, they are what draw some to me and they are the foundation for my passions.
My living.
Loved ones will agree that your heart stays true and your dreams can still exist whether others understand them or not. Whether people understand you or not, you also deserve to exist. With differences and failures, and even the tiniest moments of success— your life is yours and that’s how it’s supposed to be.
This year was a crucial piece of my journey, and is a chapter that I may never feel excited to reread, so goodbye 2024.
I hope you don’t mind watching me from the nosebleed seats.
such a beautiful read - and so vulnerable. thank you!
Wow. Your most poignant piece yet. This will stick with me. Thank you